Dream with the sun and the skies..

@Ty

I figured expressing this on your love post to Spencer would be inappropriate so I’ll say it here.  We need to go again, son.  

I miss you.

I have the most remarkable people in my life.

I miss simplicity.

I realize the world was never simple- and I would be naive to think that I will ever possess the same contentedness life had once given me.  But I have managed to fill these gaps with love for my children, the beautiful women who have given me them, and friends that I would readily give my life for.  It was easy to rebuild and recover from any disaster as long as there are these constants. 

I miss waking up every day and knowing that they are here.  That they are safe.  That I as a father could protect them from anything and everything.  That is what I lived for- that is why my heart beats. 

Perhaps writing this on Thanksgiving is a rather dark thing to do.  But although I think I have failed as a father, a lover, and a friend- I am thankful for all of the relationships I have and all of the people who love me.  I feel selfish during these moments when I retreat into myself.  When people need me most. 

I know that wishing for any miracles is a long shot but I hope one day I will be able to stop worrying.  I don’t want to fight anymore.  I can’t fight- I have nothing left to give.  I have done everything short of sacrificing who I am.  I can’t do that for the sake of my children and all of those who depend on me. 

It is too late for a lot of things.  A lot of the damage that has occurred is mostly irrevocable. I want to cry for my children who have been deprived of the euphoria of childhood- its innocence… that air-light feeling of believing in imaginary friends and loving a favorite toy.  That is all I ever wanted for them.

I would like to apologize to everyone I have made myself inaccessible to.  Especially my son, Landon, who is one of the bravest men I know.  He has endured insurmountable pain and is facing this demon once again- a demon he has already conquered, and I am confident he will conquer once again.  But despite his bravery, a boy needs his mother and father- no matter how old he is.  No one should face this alone.  I love you, Landon, and I speak on behalf of your mother and I that you’re going to beat this. You have so much time and so many things to accomplish, to create, to astound us with. You’re too strong not to.  The world needs you and as your father, I need you.